So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Maybe he injected his testicle?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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