i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
