Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Randomize
