why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
