So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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