i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
