So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Randomize
