Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
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