you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
