Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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