what day is it and did you see me today?
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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