He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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