HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
