If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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