i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Actions speak louder than pants.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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