K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
