The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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