I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
