last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
