I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
