My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
The ass gains better be worth it
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