dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
