Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize