Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
