I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Randomize
