Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Randomize