She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
