and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
