call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
