Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
