just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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