Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
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