im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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