If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
handjob tips. give me some.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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