This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
