Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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