Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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