she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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