I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Someone stole a lamp last night.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
