Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
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