Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
So squirting runs in the family.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
