Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
