my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
