Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
