I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
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