Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
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They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
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I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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