Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
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Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
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I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Randomize