NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
