i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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