Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
My dick has a subreddit
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
