Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
