I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
