I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
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I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
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Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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