I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
