Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
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