I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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