I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
